As I am sitting here thinking on the subject of Valentine’s Day and what it has come to mean to us in this day and age, I can’t help but think that we have a few things wrong.
My wife and I eyes had our eyes opened after reading the book Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin. We realized that the many of the things that society had “normalized” in relationships, are actually poisonous to them.
I would like to take the time to address some of the common relationship myths that are all too often embraced, spoken and passed down to couples and other relationships in society.
Lets Start Myth Busting!
Myth #1 A relationship is 50/50. or maybe 100/100? Do these look right to you? 150/50? 25/175? 150/150? Looks a little odd right? What’s with the lower numbers?
Truth: Simply stated, there are no percentages in relationships. This is a thinking trap! A relationship is a living organism and is not something that can be divided in half to be conquered. If we continue to count on getting our partner’s 50 percent or only giving 50%, then both partners will always only get half of what they need. The relationship will struggle or fail.
Hard Truth Moment
There will be times where a partner may not be able to give their all in the relationship. Stan Tatkin writes, “We don’t have to remain at the mercy of each other’s runaway moods and feelings. Rather, as competent managers of our partners, we can become expert at moving, shifting, motivating, influencing, soothing, and inspiring one another.”
OK! Breathe! Let’s Get Back to Myth Busting
Myth #2 Relationships are two-way streets, (I.E. I will work your way, you work mine).
This is another thinking trap!
Truth- Relationships are built together which means they are one-way streets that you are building and traveling together. Once you meet up on a two-way street, where to from there? In what direction do you go? Whose direction will you take? You have hit a stopping point. Or sometimes you will crash into each other! If we insist on staying there, the relationship will remain stuck, stay stagnant or you can end up going in opposite directions. We must build around and through things that can influence and challenge our relationship. The relationship journey will be a winding road, not a straight line.
Myth #3 The kids are more important than the relationship (We are talking about couples that plan on staying together to raise a child or children)
Truth- Yes, the kids are important. However, if you focus primarily on them, all you will be doing is setting them up for failure in the future by teaching them how to love their future children and not their potential partners. In addition, one or both partners can feel the need to fight to get the love and attention they once felt and still need; partners can want to give up and the relationship can fail. If a balance is reached, children will learn both loves. They will learn by witnessing the love radiating out from the central point, being the core of a couple’s relationship and also feel the love they need as a developing child.
Stay Tuned!
Our next segment will discuss the dynamics of the Couple Bubble.
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